Colombiana: the Faded and Jaded Flower!

Zoe Saldana joins the ranks of her predecessors’ clan full of skinny women assassins that can “magically” fight their way through droves of fully armed or trained men/agents, defeat them, and claim justice, revenge, and whatever else they fight for…blah, blah, blah.

Remember these 3 all-important truths when it comes to movies:

  1. Trailers, more often than not, mislead. ESPECIALLY if the emphatic music makes you want to watch it more than the story itself!
  2. A favorite actor/actress of yours does not automatically mean that every movie they are in is great!
  3. The producers/writers/directors of great movies also produce/write/direct bad ones!

Colombiana, the latest from Zoe Saldana, tells the story of Cataleya who, as a child, saw her parents killed in Colombia, and now, 15 years later seeks revenge as a coldblooded assassin with a one track mind who leaves her calling card flower, the cataleya, at each murder! This film is guilty of being evidence of all 3 aforementioned truths. Observe.

Truth#1: The last 30 secs or so, pump your interest and excitement to see this movie!

Truth#2: Some of you LOVE Zoe Saldana. I’m not her biggest fan, honestly. But even you will find yourself bored with her latest and find it quite routine, frankly.

Truth#3: Producer Luc Besson (Taken, La Femme Nikita, The Professional), Writer Robert Mark Kamen (The Fifth Element), Director Olivier Megaton (Transporter 3), did not do their best work with Colombiana.

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

So, here’s the skinny (pun intended):

Here’s 10 reasons, that’s right, count ’em, 10 reasons why Colombiana is not worth your time and money.

  1. Useless characters. (Michael Vartan character’s romantic involvement with Cataleya seems like a last ditch effort for the filmmaker to show some kind of emotional side/humanity of Cataleya). Michael Vartan has had no real success since his stint on Alias ended. This one is NOT his key to success as he is not even needed in this film and remains forgettable once again! (anyone remember anything else he has been in since Alias? No? My point exactly.)
  2. Inadequate background information (Yeah, Cataleya’s parents were killed…but why? No one really says. Plus, there is a lack of explanation for her acquisition of those amazing James Bond-ish stealth and fighting moves.)
  3. Cause of lack of concern/emotion towards any of the characters (Audiences will find themselves only concerned with how…and perhaps when…the movie will end and not with the actual outcome or the dangerous positions that the characters are placed in. The only deaths that give reason for pause, are the deaths of Cataleya’s parents in the beginning.)
  4. Incredibly unbelievable action (have you seen how skinny Zoe Saldana is? There is NO way that she can easily beat up all the people that she did in the film!)
  5. Zoe Saldana. Sorry to all you Zoe fans, but if you are truly in love with her, then I suggest you watch Star Trek or Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl instead, at least you will have a win-win (Zoe PLUS good movie!)
  6. Insultingly Predictable (You’ve seen this before! Trust me! Don’t believe me? The exact same story has been told in Hollywood over and over and over again. And Colombiana carries with it the same stench of repetitiveness and redundancy with nothing new).
  7. Parkour! (Normally, parkour is pretty cool, but, when you see it done in this film…more specifically, when you see who is jumping from building to building, and crashing through rooftops, and leading grown men on a high speed foot chase, it will immediately throw red flags in your mind as you shake your head saying “Nope!! not happening! NO WAY! Garbage!”)
  8. Sequences of events. Too much in this movie causes frustration as those “too good to be real” moments materialize on the screen.
  9. Anti-climatic ending. With all the supposed planning and the build up for the confrontation of her parents’ killer, the ending definitely leaves the audience wanting greater fulfillment than what is provided.
  10. No brain required. That’s right, you can leave it at the door. No mystery here in this one. As a matter of fact, there will be more confusion and scratching of your head if you DO bring your brain with you to the movie…that is, if you watch it at all.

Well, Zoe Saldana, the likes of Milla Jovavich (Ultraviolet), Charlize Theron (Aeon Flux), Rhona Mitra (Doomsday), and Angelina Jolie (Salt) all welcome you into their super-club of butt-kicking female assassins that weigh under 100 lbs and yet expect us to believe that they can beat up the onslaught of enemies that go up against them! Unfortunately, they also welcome you into the same club of movies that make no sense or probably shouldn’t have been made.

On the positive side, Amanda Stenberg does well as the younger Cataleya, making me even more interested in seeing her in the upcoming film The Hunger Games. Cliff Curtis as the uncle/mentor is superb in his role! Also, Lennie James as the typical federal agent on the case pulls off a believable, albeit familiar, performance that passes the bar. But, that’s about it. Ultimately, Colombiana is a flower that remains faded.

Well, those are my thoughts on this film. Did you see it? Have a differing opinion? Make it known, leave a comment. Otherwise, watch at your own risk.

Thanks for reading!

Enjoy if you wish…or don’t enjoy! Happy Watching!

TheSp1der’s Score: 1.5 out of 5 stars for “Colombiana

up next: Review for Midnight in Paris


  1. Have not seen this yet, but reading Incredibly “Unbelievable action, Zoe Saldana, No brain required” I’m sure this is going to be a movie I will enjoy 😉

    I must admit that when it comes to action movies I’m quickly entertained and enjoy them a lot even if they are very silly.


  2. I’ve heard nothing but dismal stuff about this one, I think Lynette almost walked out, right Lyn?

    Y’know, Michael Vartan’s hunkiness notwithstanding, I have zero interest in seeing this. I saw Zoe going all bad ass in The Losers, that’s enough for me, the movie was ok because of Jeffrey Dean Morgan & Chris Evans. Nice review, T, you sum up your dread for this perfectly!


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